Older white men are super smart. They know so many things and hold really powerful jobs. So, if they think women shouldn’t have access to safe and reliable reproductive care then we should probably listen to them. I mean, they must be smarter than us titbags because they usually make more money than women for doing the exact same jobs. I can’t think of any other explanation.
(Leading experts on the female reproductive system)
If you think about it, a 60 year-old white man is the perfect person to come up with laws on access to reproductive health care. They have the most unbiased opinion of vaginas out of anyone – because they don’t HAVE them!!! They’ve never had a period (yuck!) and they’ve probably never even seen or heard their wives’ vaginas. To them, a vagina is just a smelly gateway for the son who they can eventually emotionally abuse and pass on their alcoholism to.
Also, these men probably have a LOT of hot silver-fox friends that would benefit from these anti-abortion laws being passed. Should we really expect these lawmakers to turn down campaign donations from their lobbyist bros?? Um, how about you try turning down a free mani-pedi and then give me a call ;)
Who cares if over 70,000 women die every single year because they have unsafe abortions? A man would never partake in a scary, unsafe abortion because they’re smarter than us. They know better than to be born with fallopian tubes – god what kind of a word is fallopian anyway?! Women are CRAZY!
But these old white guy’s brains don’t just stop there – they’ve also made the choice to make contraceptive health solely the women’s responsibility. Besides condoms (which makes sex no feel good) and vasectomies (oweee my wee weeeeee!) there is nothing else out there for men to stop them from spreading that sweet seed. Compared to the 15-plus options that women have for birth control, including fun, little pink pills filled with hormones that taste like chocolate and even increase booby sizes! (cha-ching!)
It makes sense, why should guys have to be responsible for this kind of thing? It’s our vagina and we need to be in charge of it…um, that is except if their sperm happens to come in contact with our egg, in our body, in which case it’s totally up to an older white man to decide.
Reproductive services are also costing these guys a boatload in taxes! Why should a hard working white man have to pay for our reproductive health?? They need that extra money for Tommy Bahama shirts and front row seats to Jimmy Buffet concerts.
Maybe Rush Limbaugh was right, if they’re paying for birth control pills, then they should get to see the sex!! That would be a new form of birth control in itself – Rush Limbaugh’s sweaty, beady eyes watching you as you finally bang your work crush might turn you off from sex forever! Never mind the fact that without reproductive services Medicaid expenses would increase by 1.2 billion dollars a year. They’re going to believe what they want to believe and that gives them the right to make heinous, slut-shaming comments. And I am not going to take their right to free speech away!
It’s estimated that 43% of women will have an abortion before they turn 45 years old. That means that almost a QUARTER of our population will have an abortion in their lifetime – That is to say, if you’re only counting the women as the ones who get the abortion. If you counted the dudes that, you know, actually jizzed their jam juice up in there and got them pregnant, that would make it HALF of our population. So pretty much half of America is going to hell for sure, then you can probably add on at least another 10% for people who sneeze on their hand and then touch you with it. And don’t even get me started on the gays… We’ll be here all night, which i believe is what gays call the time of day that they dance shirtless.
Regardless of your silly beliefs, I hope you can see why it’s so important to have these Viagra-loving, soft-tummied, older, white men make these important decisions about our bodies. I mean, I have trouble picking out what shoes to wear from day to day - I don’t need MORE heavy decisions on my plate… besides, I’m not doing carbs right now anyway.
Written by: Whitney Teubner and Barbara Gray (@babsgray)